So tired

It's 330 am and I'm wide awake, yet exhausted. About two, maybe three hours ago I tried to fall asleep and couldn't. My mind ran wild. It was like I couldn't turn it off. I'm thinking if I write maybe I will get 2-3 hours of sleep.

School has been going well, although this current class sucks - more-so the professor. She's not a good teacher. I'm going to be very glad once it's over and I can move on with the program.

Earlier in the month I went home for a few days. It was an important return home for me; more than I realized at the time. I had spent two weeks away from Tracy and wondered how I'd feel once I saw and spent time with her. It re-enforced how much I love this woman and how much I miss her. Even now, in the early hours of the morning I miss her. Going away has been harder than I thought on my heart and soul.

During my visit I got very sick. Tracy took care of me and fell in love again. With all my health issues I've tried not to rely people outside of my family and 'battle' through by myself. But on that day I wanted to die I was so sick. It took so much out of me - even now I don't think I've fully recovered. Tracy was there for me - dragging my ass to the hospital. Being so sick I was vulnerable and helpless and it didn't matter to her. Since meeting her I've learn what true love is - it's Tracy. God I love her.

Now that one of my classes is finishing and I have five days off I really want to see her. I need to see her. It's going to be tricky whether or not I can but if there is a way I will. It's the first time in my life that I've ached for someone. I've always been self-reliant but I need Tracy in my life - and I want to be in her life. I cannot see my life without her which excites me. I love that there is an 'us!'

I worry about Tracy, she has so much happening in her life right now. Her mom is getting treated for cancer, she's busy with her new shop, it's summer and the two boys are around, and then there is everyday life - and I'm in NS. I cannot be there helping her or just being there to rub her back or wrap my arms around her to give her comfort and make her feel secure. We do talk each night - it's strange not to talk her, or a few times throughout the day or say 'good night' before going to bed. Life doesn't seem right without.

This weekend I had to fly to St. John's for baseball. I texted her before I go on the plane and when I landed - letting her know where and how I was.

I'm glad I'm here at school because I know once done things will be better for us and we'll have a routine to our lives. But now it feels like dis-jointed. I go to class then spend my afternoon on work or busy doing something - while wondering what and how Tracy is doing. It's the nighttime that I find lonely - something I've never been - I miss her presents. It's the small stuff that I've become to enjoy - simple things. I told her tonight I miss just crashing on the bed and closing my eyes while touching her, knowing she's there.

I'm so tired and would like to just fall asleep but cannot. I'm warm and yucky and the temperature is weird. One minute it's hot then cold . . . so under the covers I'm hot then on top of the covers I'm cold. It feels like my body is a messed up. It's been like this for a while - I'm wondering if it's because I've not fully recovered from being so sick.

I'm going to try and sleep. I have to get up in three hours.

Rainy weekend in NL

I'm sitting in CBS, NL, where I've been helping pick the 2009 Canada Games NL baseball team. There is me and two other coaches - head coach Billy and coach Chris. We had a solid practice last night and then a 'ok' inter-squad game this morning. Now I have the afternoon to myself - not sure what I will do, maybe some homework.

The past week has been busy, not only school but Tracy's mom found out she has throat cancer. My heart went out to her and her family. I felt terrible that I couldn't be there for Tracy. We 'Skype' each night and I could see how upset she was from her face and eyes. I wanted to fly through the screen and wrap my arms around her and let her cry. But I couldn't and so the best I could do was listen to her and tell her that I was here for her - anytime.

I worry about her, even more now that her mom is sick and going to go through a lot the next few months. I worry that she will have to take on more than she should - she already has so much going on. Before Tracy told me about her mom I spent quite a bit time thinking about us and my life. I recently went back through ll our initial emails and IMs. I could see how and when we fell for each other. It was like doing it again. So when I see her face and what going on with her, I feel that I should be there for her.

School is going well, very busy and intense. I'm glad I decided to go back and do B.Ed. I've met some great people and enjoying the experience. Looking forward to doing the course and then finishing it.

I'm also looking forward to mid-June when I see Tracy.

Wolfville

Here I am. Back in Nova Scotia and back in school - Acadia University. Yesterday was my first day, and as I finished getting my i.d. card (for third time in my life) I walked away from the student union building and looked towards the BAC Building and felt like nothing had changed. That the six years that had passed where only a few days or months. Since first arriving in Wolfville in 1989, I've also liked this place. It's the small school atmosphere with big school pride.

When I first applied to go back to school my life was simple - just me. However that changed in January when I met and starting dating TracyLynn. The past weekend I had a lot of time to think - no internet or TV - and realized that I missed two things. Tracy being the first and my cat Boo the other. Sounds strange, but this is only the second time since I was three that there wasn't a pet - mainly a cat around. The last time was in when I returned to Acadia in 2001 and lived in residence - then that summer Boo appeared at 10 Summer Street.

As for Tracy, well I've never had to leave someone. Ideally, it would have been great if she could have moved here too, but it's not realistic. She has her kids, house, job . . . well her life in Corner Brook. So here I sit looking at the clock and realizing that I have to head to a orientation.

St. John's

PART A

Sitting here in my favourite St. John's hotel - The Sheraton (a.k.a. The Fairmount). Over the past few years I've spent many nights in this hotel and last fall it went from the very, very nice Fairmount to the Sheraton. It's still a nice hotel but I miss the little things - like late night room service - it's 11:15 p.m. and the kitchen is closed!!! Plus you have to call down to get your bed turned-down and have chocolate on your pillow . . . before I'd walk into my room and voila! there's a little chocolate on the pillow.

In spite of not having a chocolate on my pillow (prefer Tracy) I'm enjoying the trip with TracyLynn! We drove out Thursday; I had meetings tonight; terra nova baseball tomorrow and then Saturday night, we go to the SportNL Stars & Legends Awards Gala/Dinner. It should be a fun time! It will probably be a busy day but fun!

PART B

As noted, Tracy and I were in St. John's this past weekend and it was a great time! Saturday we bopped around and then I headed off for a couple of hour to coach the terra novas, while she did her own thing.

The terra novas practice was an indoor session at the new NL Sports Training Centre. It was good to get back into coaching and being around the guys. My philosophy is different, right now these are tryouts for the kids trying to make the team, so I did limited coaching. I made the odd suggestion and whatnot, but the head coach Billy, was helping 'select' players. I like Billy - very organized and smart coach, although he's not really a 'true' baseball guy but he's getting so much better. I'm an assistance and for the most part the players' coach - I have a good relationship with all but they know when they've gone to far with stuff with me. Just keeping it fun for them - serious but fun!

As for Saturday night at the SportNL Awards Dinner - we had great time! Tracy looked fabulous! She's a 'lil hottie anyway, but was looking very sexy Saturday night. At one point I looked at her I thought 'wow, I'm such a lucky guy'. We should have taken a photo of us . . . but she said we can do that any time . . . lol! I liked the fact that other men would watch (eye) her when she walk by - that's my vain-ness coming out. The dinner itself was good - although the keynote speaker went on for 50 minutes on a topic that was too academic and not right for the audience. For me, I found it an interesting presentation on LTAD, but way too long for the venue. Outside of that the night was great!

I had a great weekend. It was fun to spend a couple of days with Tracy without any other concerns. Now it's back to reality . . . ugh! The next week or so will be busy as I'm getting ready to head back to school, pay bills and take care of a few things before mid-April.

Very Rambly

Yesterday I got accepted into the Acadia University Education Program. It starts this May - in about six weeks, so I'm trying to get organized. A place to live, finances, and trying to clue up things here. I'm very excited that I'm going.

I have two important things I need to take care of before leaving. Firstly, and most importantly is my relationship with Tracy. Things seem to happen very quickly for us - one moment we're having coffee the next spending hours driving around to spending a lot of time together - most days and nights. She has completely taken me - I'm so surprised by it all and it's great! She's is an amazing woman and I see so much potential in our relationship - I have no hesitation telling her how I feel which amazes me! I love her and worry about her a lot.

The past few weeks we've gotten to know each other much better - our everyday lives, our quirks. Like tonight, I came over to see her tonight, although later than most nights, and she was already gone to bed. So, she's asleep next to me, I'm online with the game (March Madness) on the TV. I'm hoping tomorrow or some time over the weekend I can sit and watch some basketball with her boys - Shane played basketball and I told him we'd watch some. Not sure if either of the boys have the same interest as me, but never know.

I'm so smitten with Tracy that she makes me feel warm inside. Also, I think about our future. Even though I'm leaving for school I think about 'us' and how every decision effects 'us'. Something I've never thought about before - not sure if Tracy realized that. I'm use to doing my thing and not worry about others - well, except my family (I'm fortunate that I have a family like I do!). That's one thing I do love about Tracy is her family - it's important to her.

I've never given myself to anyone - normally I keep a wall up in case it doesn't work out - I haven't invested too much of myself into anyone until now. Maybe that's been my issue throughout my life. I do worry that we're not on the same page - that's my insecurities coming out. Sometimes she'll say things that I'm not sure how to take - so I let them go. I don't take them personally - not sure if she's trying to get a rise out of me or not, so I take in consideration everything going on and move on.

She is excited and very supportive of me going back to school, which is wonderful for me. I've not had that so it's scary for me - not use to having someone like that.

What does this all mean? Not sure and for the first time I need to think about it all and actually have a 'adult' discussion. I want Tracy to be with me and 'us' to be happy and live out our days - like 'normal' people/family. We will always have our own thing, and that's what I want.

The other thing is baseball. I have to give up coaching locally - my boys, my team. It sucks, but I have to do what I want to do. I will continue to coach the Terra Novas and go to the Canada Games in August, but will give up the Midgets. Part of me is sad and concerned about it because I might not coach again for a few summers - it is something I love and will miss.

Rambled on about two things in my life. Both are important, although Tracy is the one person I want to wake up to every morning. I'm looking forward to the future - to school, my relationship, the summer, and much more. It's late and I'm getting sleepy.

a two day write

Ah, the sun is shinning and we're that bit closer to Spring arriving and then summer.

It's Sunday morning and the clocks have sprung ahead an hour - and I'm sitting in Tracy's bed being a slough. Almost dreading the work I have to finish today. Tracy is downstairs working while I'm upstairs still procrastinating about the day. I'm actually going through photos of Shane's basketball games.

PART 2

I started this post yesterday and only wrote so much. As you can see. The rest of yesterday went well - I managed to finish the photos and upload them to a site for others to see and made a DVD for Shane and everyone else (team, family). I showed it to Tracy last night and she thought it was great - thanks babe.

It was a fun weekend. It was great to go to Shane's basketball games - brought back the memories of being a gym rat in school. His team played well and made it to the semi-finals however lost a tough game to eventual champs CC. Apparently they usually get smoked by CC, but this time was different. They played well, but down the stretch they fell down . . . one or two kids tried to do everything (the coach coming out in me). They had stayed in the game by working together - that's how CC played. Regardless, they should be proud of they way they played. Being on the sidelines it's easy for me to say that, knowing that it's never fun to lose, even if you leave it all out on the court/field.

It was a great atmosphere - parents, players and the game. Since it was close everyone was into it. As for Shane, he played well, including getting a basket on a foul shot. I could see after he made the his first shot how excited he was - along with everyone. He was so proud of himself for doing it. I was taking photos and wished I'd gotten that shot of his face - it's that moment when everything comes together and inside you feel like "OMG! I did it!". I know that feeling, you get so excited you're almost giddy . . . I saw that in Shane. As for his mom, Tracy was ecstatic - very proud of her son.

Shane's basketball DVD was done rather quickly as I was busy with baseball finance stuff - which I am still not finished. For some reason the software I'm using won't let me print 'official' copies of the tax forms. I'm asking a couple of CA's for help on this - I'm so slow when it come to baseball finances. I need to spend a afternoon updating the baseball finances - the problem is the PVR receiver at the house is busted, so I cannot sit and work with the TV on in the back ground. It's my little system.

Work is slowed down but still have some things to do - I've become the bill/money collector (must be my menacing figure) and finish writing a report. I plan to continue to look for a new job and hope to get into school - either one works for me!

Finally got my hair cut - feels much better than before . . . I feel clean. I need a shower and then do my own hair so it looks like I want it. Don't get me wrong, my hairdresser did a good job, but it's nice to wash it and get rid of all the little hairs that are around. On a side note, my hairdresser has a new bf and I noticed she had several bruises on her upper arms - like someone grabbed her. She also didn't look as cheerful as she has done in the past.

I've done enough rambling and must get something to eat and work on my report.

Take me out to the ball game

There are things in our lives that make us who we are today.  There are things that we find comfort in - a blanket, a place, a cup of hot chocolate, just about anything that when we have it, we feel comfort and at ease and safe.

For me it is two things.  One is being in bed next to my lover - even just napping next to Tracy.  Last night I took a nap and at some point she joined me.  It is that time, lying under the covers, feeling her warmth . . . for that time I am safe and the world is gone.  Letting myself drift asleep.  The sense of comfort surrounding me while my mind and body slowly shuts down to sleep.  The only feeling is of her touch, which has become comforting.

The other is baseball.  I can lose myself in the game.  Whether being at the field or sitting with the TV on and watching a game. I think it's the purity of baseball - how it reflects life itself.  I think back to where this comes from for me and the answer I come up with is - it is the sport that accepts me for who I am.  And isn't that all we all want - to be accepted for who we are?

sitting next to TLB

So it's Tuesday night and I'm sitting in/on the bed with Tracy.  It's been a busy day.  The ECMAs finished Sunday night and we had a great time, although we left early - we left the post-gala party.  Part was due to me being tired and just wanting to fall asleep.  I soooo tired that I could barely keep my eyes open.

Then yesterday Tracy and I sent most of the morning in bed . . . more-or-less recovering.  So here I am now.  Sitting next to her as she types away to her friends from all over the world.  Blogging is very important to her - she's met some great people through it. Unlike her, I'm not the full time blogger - rather for fun and to write to write.  I know I should do it more often to improve my writing skills.

I'm very warm.  I'm tired.

I never know what to write - right now, I'm doing the head-bob thingy as I sit in bed next to Tracy.  It's funny how life changes without planning it.  Two months ago I was planning to head back to school and although I still plan to go to school, I think about how affects Tracy and her boys.  I'm looking forward to school and after school and what may bring, especially with life with Tracy and how my life will be different.  That is something I've never  thought about before - beyond myself.

My feet are hot.  I'm going now.

And, awaaay we go!!!

The ECMAs are in full swing now and tonight is the big night as everything kicks into full gear. Not only will there be six ECMA shows, but also four-five additional shows happening around town.  The plan is to go to the Ron Hynes-Damhnait Doyle-Davidi Myles-Hey Rosetta! show and then head to the MusicNL stage for some more music and good times!  That is the plan for Tracy and I - it may be tricky as many stages are sold out and I'm hoping to use my 'magic' to get us in!

Other than the ECMAs, I've been spending my 'free' time looking for a new vehicle.  I've narrowed it down to three - Mazda Tribute (what I already drive); Hyundia Santa Fe (nice car but Idk about Hyundia); and a 'pre-owned' Toyota FJ Cruiser.  I'm in no rush but might strike a decent deal if I can get one by Monday.

Ugh! ECMA

Ugh!

For two-three days last week I was sick.  It started Wednesday and then I coached baseball at the gym in the nighttime - it did me in.  Thursday morning was very sick - just wanted to curl up in bed.  I did for a while. By midday, I felt much better and  I got up but my body was so exhausted. However Friday I was toast.  Slept most of the night away.

This next week is going to be so busy with work, preparing for school application, and everyday life in general. Add, if this cold/flu persists I'm going to be exhausted . . . so much so that I might cancel indoor baseball in a couple of nights.  The ECMA's are this week and the "other" office are in town.  This may be a bad thing to say, but I find many of them 'wannabes', rather than good people. Here in the CB Office, there are some very talented and educated people who, due to living on CB, cannot find work, so they're working here.  For me, it was a couple of phone calls in an effort to convince me to work - I had reservations, but needed to be doing something, rather than playing PS3 daily.

This should be a fun and an interesting week.  I'm hearing some stories already - especially from people who not 'real' musicians, yet think they are. Throw in a few volunteer host committee chairs, it's going to be a circus!!!  I'm hoping that this week will be fun and nobody gets their 'knickers in a twist' over something small.  Unfortunately, it will!

Valentine's Day 2009

I had a really fun Valentine's Day with my 'squeeze' Tracy.  We had a lot of fun the weekend.

Although we've been seeing each other only for a short time, we seem to have a really good connection.  I find we compliment each other really well.

It's been a while

Blah-blah-blah.

I haven't written anything lately in this blog - mostly use my 'Mac' blog to post items. But thought about using this one and throwing out some stuff.  After further review, it's been over a year since I last wrote something.

And what year it has been!!!

Anyhow, let's see what happens and if I continue to write regularly.