So tired

It's 330 am and I'm wide awake, yet exhausted. About two, maybe three hours ago I tried to fall asleep and couldn't. My mind ran wild. It was like I couldn't turn it off. I'm thinking if I write maybe I will get 2-3 hours of sleep.

School has been going well, although this current class sucks - more-so the professor. She's not a good teacher. I'm going to be very glad once it's over and I can move on with the program.

Earlier in the month I went home for a few days. It was an important return home for me; more than I realized at the time. I had spent two weeks away from Tracy and wondered how I'd feel once I saw and spent time with her. It re-enforced how much I love this woman and how much I miss her. Even now, in the early hours of the morning I miss her. Going away has been harder than I thought on my heart and soul.

During my visit I got very sick. Tracy took care of me and fell in love again. With all my health issues I've tried not to rely people outside of my family and 'battle' through by myself. But on that day I wanted to die I was so sick. It took so much out of me - even now I don't think I've fully recovered. Tracy was there for me - dragging my ass to the hospital. Being so sick I was vulnerable and helpless and it didn't matter to her. Since meeting her I've learn what true love is - it's Tracy. God I love her.

Now that one of my classes is finishing and I have five days off I really want to see her. I need to see her. It's going to be tricky whether or not I can but if there is a way I will. It's the first time in my life that I've ached for someone. I've always been self-reliant but I need Tracy in my life - and I want to be in her life. I cannot see my life without her which excites me. I love that there is an 'us!'

I worry about Tracy, she has so much happening in her life right now. Her mom is getting treated for cancer, she's busy with her new shop, it's summer and the two boys are around, and then there is everyday life - and I'm in NS. I cannot be there helping her or just being there to rub her back or wrap my arms around her to give her comfort and make her feel secure. We do talk each night - it's strange not to talk her, or a few times throughout the day or say 'good night' before going to bed. Life doesn't seem right without.

This weekend I had to fly to St. John's for baseball. I texted her before I go on the plane and when I landed - letting her know where and how I was.

I'm glad I'm here at school because I know once done things will be better for us and we'll have a routine to our lives. But now it feels like dis-jointed. I go to class then spend my afternoon on work or busy doing something - while wondering what and how Tracy is doing. It's the nighttime that I find lonely - something I've never been - I miss her presents. It's the small stuff that I've become to enjoy - simple things. I told her tonight I miss just crashing on the bed and closing my eyes while touching her, knowing she's there.

I'm so tired and would like to just fall asleep but cannot. I'm warm and yucky and the temperature is weird. One minute it's hot then cold . . . so under the covers I'm hot then on top of the covers I'm cold. It feels like my body is a messed up. It's been like this for a while - I'm wondering if it's because I've not fully recovered from being so sick.

I'm going to try and sleep. I have to get up in three hours.

Rainy weekend in NL

I'm sitting in CBS, NL, where I've been helping pick the 2009 Canada Games NL baseball team. There is me and two other coaches - head coach Billy and coach Chris. We had a solid practice last night and then a 'ok' inter-squad game this morning. Now I have the afternoon to myself - not sure what I will do, maybe some homework.

The past week has been busy, not only school but Tracy's mom found out she has throat cancer. My heart went out to her and her family. I felt terrible that I couldn't be there for Tracy. We 'Skype' each night and I could see how upset she was from her face and eyes. I wanted to fly through the screen and wrap my arms around her and let her cry. But I couldn't and so the best I could do was listen to her and tell her that I was here for her - anytime.

I worry about her, even more now that her mom is sick and going to go through a lot the next few months. I worry that she will have to take on more than she should - she already has so much going on. Before Tracy told me about her mom I spent quite a bit time thinking about us and my life. I recently went back through ll our initial emails and IMs. I could see how and when we fell for each other. It was like doing it again. So when I see her face and what going on with her, I feel that I should be there for her.

School is going well, very busy and intense. I'm glad I decided to go back and do B.Ed. I've met some great people and enjoying the experience. Looking forward to doing the course and then finishing it.

I'm also looking forward to mid-June when I see Tracy.

Wolfville

Here I am. Back in Nova Scotia and back in school - Acadia University. Yesterday was my first day, and as I finished getting my i.d. card (for third time in my life) I walked away from the student union building and looked towards the BAC Building and felt like nothing had changed. That the six years that had passed where only a few days or months. Since first arriving in Wolfville in 1989, I've also liked this place. It's the small school atmosphere with big school pride.

When I first applied to go back to school my life was simple - just me. However that changed in January when I met and starting dating TracyLynn. The past weekend I had a lot of time to think - no internet or TV - and realized that I missed two things. Tracy being the first and my cat Boo the other. Sounds strange, but this is only the second time since I was three that there wasn't a pet - mainly a cat around. The last time was in when I returned to Acadia in 2001 and lived in residence - then that summer Boo appeared at 10 Summer Street.

As for Tracy, well I've never had to leave someone. Ideally, it would have been great if she could have moved here too, but it's not realistic. She has her kids, house, job . . . well her life in Corner Brook. So here I sit looking at the clock and realizing that I have to head to a orientation.