School has been going well, although this current class sucks - more-so the professor. She's not a good teacher. I'm going to be very glad once it's over and I can move on with the program.
Earlier in the month I went home for a few days. It was an important return home for me; more than I realized at the time. I had spent two weeks away from Tracy and wondered how I'd feel once I saw and spent time with her. It re-enforced how much I love this woman and how much I miss her. Even now, in the early hours of the morning I miss her. Going away has been harder than I thought on my heart and soul.
During my visit I got very sick. Tracy took care of me and fell in love again. With all my health issues I've tried not to rely people outside of my family and 'battle' through by myself. But on that day I wanted to die I was so sick. It took so much out of me - even now I don't think I've fully recovered. Tracy was there for me - dragging my ass to the hospital. Being so sick I was vulnerable and helpless and it didn't matter to her. Since meeting her I've learn what true love is - it's Tracy. God I love her.
Now that one of my classes is finishing and I have five days off I really want to see her. I need to see her. It's going to be tricky whether or not I can but if there is a way I will. It's the first time in my life that I've ached for someone. I've always been self-reliant but I need Tracy in my life - and I want to be in her life. I cannot see my life without her which excites me. I love that there is an 'us!'
I worry about Tracy, she has so much happening in her life right now. Her mom is getting treated for cancer, she's busy with her new shop, it's summer and the two boys are around, and then there is everyday life - and I'm in NS. I cannot be there helping her or just being there to rub her back or wrap my arms around her to give her comfort and make her feel secure. We do talk each night - it's strange not to talk her, or a few times throughout the day or say 'good night' before going to bed. Life doesn't seem right without.
This weekend I had to fly to St. John's for baseball. I texted her before I go on the plane and when I landed - letting her know where and how I was.
I'm glad I'm here at school because I know once done things will be better for us and we'll have a routine to our lives. But now it feels like dis-jointed. I go to class then spend my afternoon on work or busy doing something - while wondering what and how Tracy is doing. It's the nighttime that I find lonely - something I've never been - I miss her presents. It's the small stuff that I've become to enjoy - simple things. I told her tonight I miss just crashing on the bed and closing my eyes while touching her, knowing she's there.
I'm so tired and would like to just fall asleep but cannot. I'm warm and yucky and the temperature is weird. One minute it's hot then cold . . . so under the covers I'm hot then on top of the covers I'm cold. It feels like my body is a messed up. It's been like this for a while - I'm wondering if it's because I've not fully recovered from being so sick.
I'm going to try and sleep. I have to get up in three hours.
